I Guess I Only Blog When I'm Mad

I'm giving up on being healthy, being diabetic, being functional. I'm giving up on trying to convince myself that I deserve to want better things for myself. I'm giving up on trying to drive across town without having to pull over and puke on the side of the road. I'm giving up on having goals, being social, and eating right. I'm giving up on communicating my anger in a productive manner.

(Don't worry, it will pass. It always passes.)

But right now, I am sick. I feel alone, and angry, and my whole functional world view that I worked so hard to build feels like it's falling down around me.

(It's not.)

But right now, I am convinced that I see my building blocks of confidence, purpose, happiness, discipline falling down, piece by piece. Fuck my recent diabetes control success, it means nothing now. I drove across town this morning with the intention of putting this sickness on hold and meeting my cousins for brunch. I got lost, which isn't unusual, so I pulled over and asked for directions. I got back on the right road and started to feel the world spinning. I pulled over again, opened the car door, and hurled onto a busy street. I had to tell my cousins I couldn't make brunch, and drive myself home. I was so angry, disappointed, and defeated that I started to cry. I tested my blood sugar and it was 441.

Fuck it.

I've been getting sick all week, but haven't paid any attention to it because work was so busy that I knew I couldn't miss any of it. I guess I thought I could keep going and do some things that I really wanted to do with whatever strategy kept me going to work. But there's always a breaking point.

I got home this morning, and was alone in the house. I felt alone and defeated by life. I felt nauseated and dehydrated and snotty, but I couldn't stop. So I cleaned the kitchen and bathroom, and did some laundry. The husband came home and regarded me from a distance for a while before suggesting I sit down. So I did, for about 5 minutes before I had to get up again. If I stop, it wins.

And if it wins, I'm useless. Worthless.

(I'm not.)

I just have to cancel more plans I was looking forward to. And I hate that. I hate a lot of things right now.

(It will pass.)