Vertigoaway

I just realized that I'm a big fan of combining groups of words into a single nonword, then making it the title of my blog post. It's a trend I plan to keep up.

Anyway, the medication withdrawal symptoms are plaguing me still. The worst part is the vertigo. I feel like I'm on an elevator 80% of the time, even when I'm sitting completely still on solid ground. Every time I turn my head suddenly, I feel like I'm going to fall over, and there is a constant high pitched ringing coming from somewhere inside my brain. Another strange and unexpected symptom is chronic low blood sugar. I feel like I am constantly eating, and every time I test, my blood sugar is dropping again. I've read that it is a rare but documented side effect of this medication.

It all makes me feel crazy.

The worst part about it is that, despite the mental stability the medication helps me achieve, I absolutely hate being chemically addicted to a medication. I think it's horrifying that a medication can so severely alter my brain in such a short time, and in so many strange ways. It's also making my brain tell me I have to poop every 30 minutes or so, which is not something I care to further discuss in a public forum.

Yes, I have a clinical depression and anxiety disorder, and yes, life is more balanced and productive when I am on medication. But at the same time I am taking the pills, I am hating what they do to me. I hate the muted thoughts and limited spectrum of feelings. I hate the very thought that I need a brain-altering synthetic chemical to help me get through the day. I hate that I am actually addicted to them and can't safely stop at any time. It is a commitment of self-care that I made a long time ago (after a LOT of fighting), and I understand and accept (intellectually) the terms of my agreement. Brain chemistry, much like Life, is a very delicate balance, and things change constantly. I (intellectually) accept that we can live better through chemistry, and I do (genuinely) want to live better.

In my heart, I am still fighting every step of the way. If you ever catch me blindly popping whatever pills someone has promised will cure me, it means I have given up and my soul has started to die. Until then, I will be noisy, argumentative, impatient, and antipathetic in my patient compliance. That is something we'll all just have to live with.

Now I just have to figure out how to get off this damn elevator.