Sick Ramble

I missed a few days of posting, but at least I came back sooner than I used to. At least I came back, period.

I've been sick since Saturday with some kind of virus that acts like the flu. My nose is a faucet, I have fever, everything hurts, and I sleep for 30 hours at a time. I went back to work today, but only made it through the first half before I wimped out and asked to go home. I'm sprawled on the couch indefinitely, covered in dogs.

I don't feel like a person anymore. I'm pissed off at my body and its lack of proper functioning. I realize that I am fairly well justified in being angry, but my problem is that I currently can't move beyond the anger. I take care of myself because I have to, but I am feeling overwhelmed by all aspects of my health care. Not overwhelmed in an anxious way, just overwhelmed in a "well, it sucks and it will never ever ever change" kind of way. And it pisses me off.

There is no productive way to want things or plan things for my future, or even my present, when I can't count on my health from day to day. So I'm feeling burdened, and I'm having a hard time locating my motivation to change.

I went to work this morning, and I hated having to ask to leave early. It feels like admitting defeat rather than proactively taking care of myself. I hate telling all my coworkers that they have to, again, pick up the slack left in my absence. I'm sure I'm much harder on myself than any of them are on me, even behind my back, but that still doesn't make me feel any better.

I'm going to go rest my confused and stressed body, and try it all again tomorrow.