Made Room

I think my last (sad bastard) post made some room in my consciousness for some more positive thoughts to shine through. Hence the recommendation of writing as a therapy tool.

I'm also in therapy again. The kind where you sit on a couch (There are chairs too, but I prefer the couch. It makes me feel less significant, and it gives me more room to spread out my thoughts.) (Also the art on the wall opposite the couch is more interesting than the art opposite the chairs.) I haven't been to see a counselor in about 3 years, not for lack of want or need, but mostly for lack of health insurance and moneys. I went back last week and talked myself into lots of little circles. I'm really good at that. If you think I'm not, take a look at some old blog posts.

I've also gotten one of my medication dosages adjusted. I HATE this medication. Hate. HATE. (I don't like it.) It's an antidepressant, and I've been taking this particular one for several years. Lately I've felt foggy and drugged, in an emotional void. Yes, it controls mood swings and anxiety...by making me feel nothing at all. My interest in things I normally like has all but disappeared, buried deep in the fog somewhere. I would like to wean completely off this medication and try something different, but my dr is hesitant to do so. I have a history of becoming very unstable when I'm not taking this medication, so I understand his hesitation. (The only reason I'm not writing the name of the medication is that I don't want to show up in someone's random google search for med info.) (It starts with an E)

When I told him that I was concerned about taking this medication during a future pregnancy, he responded by saying, "Well then we'll stop it. I mean you'll be bat shit crazy while you're pregnant anyway, so we might not even notice a difference."

He's really irritating sometimes.

Today was my first day on my new, lower dose. I may be feeling a slight difference now that it is later in the day, but I think I might still be on the sick-coaster of mental activity. I know it will take some time to feel a change.

I still wish I didn't have to take anything.

But that's something for me to talk to the therapist about. Finding some way to stop wishing it away, if that's possible. It seems that I accomplish less by just being mad all the time. It's the weirdest thing.