I'm Cranky

I am cranky and hormonal. (but not pregnant...it's the other thing...so stop the rumor mill right there). Working with females all day is often exhausting. So many feelings, always getting hurt for so many invisible reasons. I often wonder how men put up with us. Then again, I often wonder how we put up with men, so I guess it all evens out.

I'm getting married in just over a month. I am very excited and happy, and I am also getting fatter. I've stressed myself out over wedding plans, and I've gotten caught up in wanting to look absolutely perfect on my wedding day...which just reminds me that I'm not perfect. Imagine that. I think about working out every day, pushing myself so that I can lose that extra bit of weight before the wedding, and then I don't do it, probably because on top of planning a wedding I have a stressful and demanding full time job, and a stressful and demanding chronic disease that makes losing weight an uphill battle on my best day, and then I give up before I even try and I just hide in my room and eat ice cream. And I don't have the energy to care that the last sentence is not structurally correct!

I want to change that inner message from "I give up," or "I failed" to "I like myself just the way I am," or "I am happy and that's what matters." I don't want to put my body through weight loss for the wrong reasons. It's too much pressure, trying to be perfect. I may still want to punch every skinny woman I see, and I may not be able to button any of my current pants, but my fat ass will still marry the man I love in one month, and I will be happy with all my heart.

I will also continue to eat whatever I want, despite the constant noisy disapproval from the well-intentioned humans around me who like to constantly tell me that I'm going to die. I need you to go ahead and shut up about my food choices, Judgey Judgersons, and mind your own damn business. Unless, of course, you'd also like me to scrutinize some of your less-than-ideal life choices and comment on the horrible things that could happen to you if you keep smoking/drinking/eating fast food for every meal/getting sick but refusing to the doctor/giving out Xanax like it's candy/not voting/wearing shoes with improper arch support/sitting in a booth full of cancer-inducing radiation to get yourself closer to some tanned image of perfection that you'll never achieve...

Doesn't sound like something you want to deal with from me, or anyone, every day? I didn't think so. That's why I keep my mouth shut, and I suggest you do the same. So in case you are still shocked that I don't care what you think, or you want to tell me that you nag because you care, I'll tell you now in no unclear terms: you're not helping. I say this because I care, for one of these days I may punch you.

I am very cranky.