I Wanted to Rant, But This Came Out Instead

I had this idea today for this blog to write about work stories. That's actually what the whole purpose of this blog was before I took a year and a half break from writing, then deleted all the posts that were originally on here. I also feel that the "you-can't-make-this-shit-up" situations that I repeatedly find myself in at my job every day would be way more entertaining for people than me rambling about my feelings.

But this blog is for me, and if rambling about my feelings on this blog helps me get through my daily life more effectively and sanely, then I will fill every kilobyte with every feeling I have. (A kilobyte is an actual thing, right?) My point is, the purpose of this blog is to get the words out-the words that take up the space in my brain and heart that should be filled with more important things. Like entertaining work stories.

So we'll get there, eventually.

I thought that I could write every day about a situation at work that made me laugh, either while it was happening, or afterwards. There is, without fail, at least one moment of every work day where something makes me laugh. We have fun together as coworkers, usually, and when it gets very stressful we deal with it by acting stupid and making each other laugh. On Fridays, the most torrential day of any healthcare job, we institute One Minute Dance Parties to relieve stress. This is when we all stop whatever we are doing, start a timer for one minute, someone starts singing something along the lines of "Too Much Booty in the Pants..." with someone else beatboxing, and we dance. We dance like white people with no rhythm, except for the white girl who does have rhythm, the Mexican guy who has no rhythm, and the black girl who has plenty of rhythm.

One Minute Dance Parties are the best things to happen to workplace productivity since Christmas bonuses.

Then there are other stories that I can not share until I write my memoirs in a couple decades. At that point I will not be in danger of losing a job that I need, no matter how entertaining the story is, or how intense my need to tell it is, I won't be in danger of getting any licensed medical doctors in any kind of trouble, and I won't be in any danger of offending anyone because I told the story too close to the time it actually happened. Everything's funny if you give it a decade or so.

So I will give it a try. I will tell stories about the amusing moments in my day. I've been a veterinary technician for about 5 years, and it's a job where a "normal" or "slow" day for us would be like either an episode of an outrageous sitcom, or a worst nightmare to most people. I'm sure some of you have jobs like that. All those stories are too good to keep to myself. Even if the last thing I want to think about when I come home in the evening is my work day, writing about it will help me remember the good times and let go of the bad.

Let's see what happens.

If You're Opposed to Song-Lyric-Blog-Posts, Don't Read This

Sometimes I will have a song stuck in my head for no apparent reason; some song that I know but haven't listened to, or even thought about in a long time. I used to catch myself after the fourth or fifth time the song played on repeat in my head, and make myself listen to the lyrics of the song. I'd play it out in my head and try and figure out what the song is saying to me.

I'd often find that whatever song it was related to whatever situation I was going through at the time, or something someone had said had sparked my brain to select that song from my mental music library. Our brains try to communicate with us in weird ways when we're not paying attention.

I have a song stuck in my head today, and it's been playing over and over non stop. I haven't applied any kind of critical thinking to the lyrics of the song yet, in fact until I began typing this post I forgot that I ever did that. So I decided to copy and paste the lyrics here, and we can go through the experience together. Stop groaning and protesting, I'm going to do it anyway:

Fidelity by Regina Spektor

I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind all this music

And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart

And suppose I never ever met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft
Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose we never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Break my fall
Break my fall

All my friends say that of course its gonna get better
Gonna get better
Better better better better
Better better better

I never love nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting by heart truly
I got lost
In the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind
All this music
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart

I hear in my mind all of these voices
I hear in my mind all of these words
I hear in my mind all of this music

Breaks my
Heart
Breaks my heart

I guess it's pretty relevant. Especially since I just wrote a blog post about all of these voices, words, and music that I hear in my mind. I'm not sure if it helped get the song out of my head at all, because I still hear it going on. But it's better than the nursery rhymes one of the doctors at work sings when he can't think of anything to talk about.

Yeah, that's another story for another time.

Several Bits of Nothing

I went to the court hearing this morning, sat there for two hours, and the person never showed up. Classy. So I guess that's a big fat forfeit, which is just fine with me.

I did have to meet up at work on my day off, but I got dressed in actual human clothes, did my hair, put on makeup, a state of being that I'm not sure my coworkers have ever seen me in. That was pretty fun.

I have a lot of strange emotions going on inside me. I thought writing about some of them would help me pinpoint at least a few of them, but now that doesn't even make much sense. Today is the one year anniversary of The Man and I being together. That's a huge milestone for me, and the first of its kind in my life. We are talking about marriage, which is big. We went to a movie at the theater we first met at 365 days ago.

Christmas is next week, about which I'm still in a state of disbelief. Amazingly, I've gotten all of my shopping done, which is one less thing to feel guilty about. I'm also not sure about how I'm supposed to be feeling about holiday times, but I'm pretty sure I'm not feeling it.

I am very very tired. I haven't been sleeping very well, and work is extra demanding and stressful and draining these days. Not overwhelming, but it leaves me in a state of recovery on my days off.

I don't know what else to do, or what else to write. I don't feel better, or worse, or much of anything. I think I'll go to bed. Okay bye.

Stopping the Spiral

Okay, so I failed on my goal of not eating any of the Christmas treats at work.

Totally failed.

I've been stress-eating unhealthy foods at work because my job is especially stressful and demanding during the holiday season. It's also stressful because tomorrow I have to attend a court hearing for a former coworker whom I inadvertently (but to the regret of no one) got fired. I formally documented and reported an incident when this person was particularly rude and unprofessional to me in front of a client. One of many many many times, but the first time both I and a client were involved. And apparently, even though everyone else in the office complained constantly about this person, only two or three people have ever done anything about it...in the nine years that this person has worked there.

So, they had concrete probable cause to fire her when I formally complained...and I'm now the focus of this person's laser of hatred. She has made outrageous and untrue statements about me, and the other two people who have formally complained about her are conveniently unavailable to back me up. I have the support of the office manager, but it's still a crappy situation.

After tomorrow, though, I'm hoping it will all be over, and this person won't start stalking me or something. I'm not nervous, because I know I'm telling the truth. I just really really don't want to be involved in this. But I will do it.

In other news, I went to the gym tonight with a coworker who lives in my apartment complex. We have been talking about going, have made several specific plans to go, since we live in the same complex and pay for access to the same gym...but then we have made many many lame excuses to get out of it. We decided today that it was stupid to keep putting it off because the longer we wait, the bigger pain in the ass it becomes, but if we just do it and get the first few times over with, then we are on our way.

I've been having a hard time dealing with the depression lately. I also haven't been eating well, exercising at all, blogging or writing anything, paying close attention to my blood sugars, keeping with the daily routine that keeps me sane, or even brushing my teeth regularly. One thing slips, and before very long it snowballs. But today I broke the cycle, and I will do what I can, one day at a time.

When I get the routine back, I will write consistently again. I think it will be good for me, because that way I don't have to carry all that stuff around with me. Also because one of these days I may actually write something good!

Pancreas Shaped Holiday

I've been avoiding the blog.

I go through a lot of emotions around the holidays, and even though writing through some of them could have been very soothing to my jumbled brain, I didn't do it. Actually, I deliberately ignored it, the way I often deliberately ignore things that are good for me at times when I need them the most. I've gotten too relaxed about my diabetes control (but at least I bolused insulin for all that Ben & Jerry's), I've done some pretty impressive backpedaling on my no-processed-foods goal (but all ingredients in the Ben & Jerry's were, at one point, unprocessed), and I've spent about a month and a half trying to convince myself to go back to the gym (but I always take the stairs at work instead of the elevator...while thinking about Ben & Jerry's). The motivation is just not there. Unfortunately, I, and the hand that I was dealt in life, have far greater consequences to my being lazy in these areas than most people do. I also tend to be way too hard on myself when I fail to live up to my own unrealistic expectations. So I've learned that there is always time, as long as I'm still breathing, to move forward and take control back. I can't focus on the mistakes or failures, or think about all the things I should have done, all I can do is start right now and move forward.

I have a goal for my work-self this holiday season. The clinic receives a steady stream of delicious, expensive, shiny, sugary edible gifts from clients and referring doctors, things that sit on the counter in front of me, in my personal space, and wait for someone to eat them. It is the easiest thing in the world to grab a handful of gourmet popcorn here, a sliver of cinnamon creme cake there, a cookie or two while I wait to discharge a patient, some spice drops while I have a conversation with a doctor...and at the time, none of it seems to be a big deal. Then an hour or two later, when I feel like I have sand running through my veins, and I have to sit down so I don't vomit, and I test my blood sugar which ends up having way too many numbers in it, I shake hands with my reality check. She says, in a slightly exasperated voice, "When you eat without giving insulin, your body doesn't know what to do and it starts shutting down. Nothing has changed since the last time you tried this, and every other time you've tried it before that because you're still diabetic."

Oh. Right. That.

So my goal is to not eat any of the holiday treats that are delivered in such exquisite packages and placed in my personal space. I don't need to snack aimlessly at work anyway. I bring almonds, string cheese, and apple slices to work and keep them in my locker for my scheduled snack times and for the times that I feel like I have to eat because other people around me are eating. Holidays are food heaven/hell for most people. That's why gyms make so much money at the beginning of the year. There's just so much good damn food around the holiday times! It's a special brand of hell for diabetics.

So while I live through the holidays, my goal isn't to avoid cheating, or even avoid failures. It'll be a cold day in diabetic hell before I ever expect that of myself. My goal is specifically to avoid holiday treats that are brought into the clinic where I work. I'm going to start there, and see how I do. There just might be some hope for me yet.

Kittens and Happy Things

God, I hate leaving posts like the previous one as the first thing you see when you come here!
So to lighten the mood, here is a video of a kitten:

Sometimes it's little things that can set off a big reaction. Sometimes it's little things that can make you feel more alone than you've felt in years. Sometimes it's not even rational, but the feelings are very real.

Sometimes you just wish someone would understand you without your having to explain yourself.

Sometimes lots and lots of little things hit you all at once, causing all the walls to fall down on top of you. When that happens, all bets are off.

Today Made Me Want To Cry

Today made me want to cry, and I didn't even realize this until I got home. It's as though I ran, sprinted, for 11 hours straight, but didn't have time to think about what it was doing to my physical or emotional well being until I came home and sat down for the first time. It all hit me at once.

It was a long, busy day, and it was supposed to be my day off. I wanted to make up a few hours that I missed when I was sick for 2 weeks. It will barely make a dent in the void, but every little bit helps. I just picked a hell of a day to give up a day off. Tomorrow will only get more exciting.

I also fought a losing battle between my will power and the counter full of free, fancy, delicious holiday treats that stared at me all day long. That, also, will only get worse as we dive into the holidays.

I know I've been a bad blogger. Self preservation is job #1 when it comes to the holidays.

The Dream House

I just found a more realistic dream house that I want to live in, and it looks like this:


If we end up buying this house, we're having you all over for a giant cookout. And then you can all stay over because there is so much room. And you can all bring your dogs because there's also a dog door.

It's also in a FUN neighborhood.
Cross your fingers...