OW OW OW

I am in pain and it is distracting to a degree that I can't focus on anything. As I wait for the Vicadin to kick in, I'm lying on the couch trying to play pinball on the computer to try and keep my mind occupied.

But I am writing this to prove that I can keep goals.

If the pain recedes at all, I'll post something under the influence of narcotics. It could be entertaining.

Jedi Doctor Visit

I went to my endocrinologist appointment today, fully expecting her to act fully disappointed and angry about all the things I have been so frustrated with lately. I expected more character debasement such as, "If I was your boyfriend, and you took care of yourself like that in front of me, I would leave you. Period." (That's a direct quote.) I did not know if I was going to stay with this doctor and have to hear things like that at each visit.

I still don't know if I will stay forever, but today there was no yelling. There was actually no negative criticism, of my character or otherwise, at today's visit. My hemoglobin A1c, the most important test a diabetic can take, was down to 7.4 from 8.8 at my visit two months ago. The A1c is basically an average of your blood sugars over the past three months. And I lowered mine an unheard of (for me) point and a half in just TWO months. The rest of my labwork was "perfect" also. She actually used the word perfect. I have no more signs of kidney damage, which has freaked my shit out on all my previous labwork. My thyroid is in the exact target range, my A1c is higher than I want it to be, but making a drastic descent. By blood sugar was even perfect.

I kept a secret from my doctor. I know, I know, full disclosure and patient compliance= 100x more effective results. I am going to continue keeping the secret to myself anyway, for now. My blood pressure has been higher than she wanted it from day 1. She started me on blood pressure medicine before she even asked about family medical history. She's even increased the dose twice. Well, 3 weeks ago I could not afford to refill my blood pressure pills at the pharmacy, and I haven't been taking them since. I also cut out 90% of my salt intake and drank 3x more water.

As she put the blood pressure cuff on me, I was prepared for full disclosure, because I knew it would be high again. Then she told me the number, did a little happy dance, and told me she was very pleased. I could have told her that I hadn't been on the meds for 3 weeks, maybe I will next time. But for now I'm going to hold on to my secret success at taking my health control back from western medicine.

There was one point in the appointment when we were talking and her eyes kept wandering to some spot on the wall behind me. There was a fly in the office. She apologized for being distracted, and asked for a moment to get rid of the fly. She began swinging her arms wildly and hopping, trying to clap the fly between her palms. She's five foot nothin' and wears large black horn-rimmed glasses...and she was hopping like a maniac after an elusive fly. It was hovering near my shoulder, so I reached out, Jedi style, caught the fly in my hand, then dropped it in the trashcan. She cheered and laughed excitedly saying, "Yes! I like you! I LIKE YOU." Then she sanitized the fly guts off my hand and we continued like nothing had happened.

So not only did I prove to myself and her that my hard work is starting to pay off, but I proved that, in well controlled blood sugar ranges...I am a Jedi.

The Latest Episode of The Man's Webshow

In case you were curious : )

Everything Changes

I am overwhelmed. My health is out of control, and I carry around an increasing amount of guilt because of it. In every situation in which I find myself ill or with a random high blood sugar, I can look back figure out all of the steps I could have taken to prevent it from happening. So I feel like it's my fault for not paying enough attention to what I was doing- it's so simple, why didn't I just take that extra step??

I went out last night to an informal after-party with The Man and everyone from his film crew. They filmed the fifth episode of their web show, which is a smash hit in the online community, and also hilarious, and they all went out to celebrate. I made myself go even though I felt pretty shitty, because I hadn't been out of the house in a couple days, and because I genuinely enjoy hanging out with these people. My blood sugar was high before I left, but by the time we got there and were ready to eat, it was 125. The menu was mostly bar food, nothing remotely healthy. I got chips and salsa, the only thing that didn't make me feel like vomiting to think about. I gave appropriate insulin, hung out, enjoyed myself, and got home feeling sick and exhausted. I threw up the chips and salsa. My blood sugar was 299. I gave insulin, drank liter after liter of water, and got the blood sugar back to 125 before I went to bed. Then this morning I woke up with a blood sugar of 308 and feel like I've been run over by a truck.

It makes me want to give up. I wonder if all the hard work I've put into this is for nothing, because as soon as I figure out one problem in my health, everything changes and I have to start all over. What's the point of making any plans for my life if nothing is ever going to be in my control anyway? If there are a million things I can do at any point in time to have the perfect health all the time, then why am I not doing them? What is wrong with me? Sometimes it feels like I can either have a life, or I can be diabetic, because I apparently don't have the mental or physical capability to do both. Diabetes is a full time job, and I also have a full time job. Of which I missed three days this week.

What the hell am I supposed to do?

I talked to a good friend last night, who reminded me of something very important: I have made a LOT of changes in my life in a very short amount of time. Not only that, but I keep wanting to make more changes. There's nothing wrong with wanting to make more changes, but it might be wise to chill out for a little bit. Finish one thing before starting another. One of those simple life lessons that I so easily forget.

Let's review the changes I have made this year: I started a serious relationship, I started a new job which offers me medical insurance, I got used to working 12 hour shifts, I started going back to church, I started seeing a diabetes doctor again and paying attention to my health again, I had the serious relationship move in with me, we've decided we want to get engaged and have talked about marriage and its meaning to both of us, I've started exercising again, I've given up caffeine, I've given up artificial sweeteners, I've begun the mass culling of processed foods from my diet, I've started using an insulin pump, I've started preparing for buying a house, I've started preparing for having babies one day, The Man has a completely unexpected but exciting book publishing deal and possibilities for TV/film script writing-which all happened in just over one week, I paid off my car, I bought new underwear, I have lived with cats for four months and I'm allergic to cats!

That's enough!

ENOUGH!

I think I can safely cut myself some slack and give myself a chance to finish processing all of this. I need to get what I have right in front of me under control before I think of new ways to make my daily experience do 180 twists. So my blood sugar was high this morning. I treated it and am staying home to rest until I feel better. Then when I feel better I take care of whatever is in front of me at that point. One foot, then the other foot, then the other foot...

I was trying to be metaphorical just then, but I think it came across sounding like I have three feet. I don't. All I'm saying is that everything has changed for me this year. All I can do is deal and move forward from here. There's no point in beating myself up or carrying the guilt around with me. That will only weigh me down. I can't have the extra weight, I have things to do.

What I Want

Okay, I think my punkass phase has passed for now, and I'm ready to write a real blog post. I've been sick this week and have missed three days of work. Payday will be a sad day this time around, but I didn't want to go in and infect anyone else.

Having to stay in when I'm sick makes me crazy. I start to lose my perspective on life and health and everything else. I forget why it matters that I keep my blood sugars under control-they do what they want no matter what I do. I forget why it's important to take a shower every day-if I'm not leaving the house there's no one to impress. But that's when I force myself to go through the motions and get myself back to a state of normalcy.

I'm feeling better today.

I really want to get off of my antidepressant meds. Really. I foolishly tried to do this on my own a few years ago, and it met disastrous results. I became someone I couldn't even recognize, and I don't ever want to go back there again. I believe that the chemical balance in my brain is what the medicine corrects. I've accepted the fact that antidepressants are not "happy pills," nor are they shameful in any way. They simply help my brain function like it's supposed to. (Hey, I did learn something from therapy!)

However, they are still addictive in a way that I'm not okay with. Not psychologically addictive, but chemically addictive. Going off the medication involves severe and dangerous withdrawals. Stomach cramping, vomiting, seizures (if you don't do it right), tremors, suicidal thoughts. I want to believe that there are other ways to deal with the chemical imbalance in my brain other than strong medication. Diet: I've completely changed my diet in the past several months. I'm not drinking liters of caffeine and artificial sweeteners every day, I'm eating way more fruits and vegetables, and I'm on my way to eliminating all processed foods from my diet. God only knows what all those chemicals and preservatives and whatnots they put in our food were doing to my brain chemistry. I'm also exercising a lot more than I used to. I'm willing to do more. If going to the gym for an hour every day will help me maintain mental health without medication, then I will do it. I'll find a way to go 2 hours if I need to.

Another reason for wanting to at least stop taking the medication that I'm currently on is because of that "tiny nerd" scenario I've previously mentioned on this blog. It is addictive to an unborn baby, and there have been cases of babies whose moms were on the med for the whole pregnancy that were born with seizures and neurological problems. Also, in some cases, the babies didn't stop crying for 2 months. Good lord!! The consensus is that you weigh the pros and cons of staying on the medication when you're pregnant. If it would be disastrous for the mother to stop taking the medication (see previous paragraph) then they can administer small doses of the med to the newborn until they're not in withdrawal anymore. That makes sense, but is also completely horrifying.

We're not planning on having any tiny nerds for at least a year, maybe more. But there are things I can do now to get myself under control before I have to be responsible for someone else's entire life. I think I'm going to talk to my doctor about trying a different approach to treating my depression. As soon as I mention it, he will throw things and tell me I'm crazy because of what happened last time I tried a "different approach." But I still want to know what he thinks. He's been my doctor since I was 2, and has not only diagnosed me with diabetes 24 years ago, but has seen me through a number of other atypical illnesses when other doctors just had panic attacks. I have a plan, and it's all part of me taking control back.

For now I just need to get over this stomach bug thing so I can move on with my life!

Sick

'I didn't want to blog today,' said Little Peggy Ann McKay.
I try to weasel out of goals,
I whine, I wait, and then I bolt.
I'm sick, and mad, and uninspired.
Which sucks because I was on fire.
I got sick, and I missed work,
It makes me feel like I'm the worst.
My goals aren't met, I must stay in,
I lose every bit of my momentum.
Depression blows, but all these pills
Don't keep my brain from getting ill
When I can't do the things I want
It makes me sad, then I can't blog.
How do I make this stay away?
I'll do anything, eat! Run! Pray!
Then a good friend whom I've not met
Reminds me that you read this sh...ett.
'Do not let it happen again.
Blog, dammit, you'll be glad you did!'
I opened up the blogger page
And wrote some things that were too vague.
It felt good, but it wasn't right.
Why can't I write my thoughts tonight?
I talked out loud to the blank screen.
I said out loud, powerfully,
'I DO NOT WANT TO BLOG TODAY
SAID GIRL NAMED STEVE-Y ANN McKAY!'

Top 11 Fake Songs That Get Stuck in My Head

Because my lists go to eleven.

1. Muffin Top - from 30 Rock, Jenna Mulroney
Muffin Top - Click here for funny video clips
I've recently been known to make use of the fantastic stairwell acoustics at work with this song on my way to drop off lab work.


2. Free Love on the Freelove Freeway - from The Office BBC, David Brent
David Brent : Free Love On The Freelove Freeway... - The best home videos are here
I sing this song every time there is a guitar in my hand. If anyone joins me, I have new best friends.


3. That One Night - from The Office (America), Hunter, Jan's former assistant
I often get this stuck in my head to such a degree that I actually hear Andy Bernard singing along with me.


4. Talkin' it Up on the Barry Gibb Talk Show (talkin' 'bout chest hair...talkin' 'bout crazy cool medallions...) - from SNL. Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake
An old favorite. The only reason I ever listened to anything by the Beegees


5. Werewolf Bar Mitzvah - from 30 Rock. Tracy Jordan
Werewolf Bar Mitzvah - For more funny videos, click here
Tina Fey is my hero.


6. Dayman Fighter of the Nightman (remix)- from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Dennis and Charlie
Dayman Remix (It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia) - These bloopers are hilarious
There was a discussion among my coworkers of throwing a Dayman vs. Nightman party that would require everyone to come dressed as one of the characters in the play. This still might happen.


7. Bring it on In to Omletteville - SNL, Justin Timberlake
I have a new respect for Justin Timberlake after seeing him dance around in an egg suit.


8. 1234 [Splendas in your coffee, Stanley...] - from The Office (America), Andy Bernard changes the words to the Feist song (I couldn't find audio or video of this, but if you call me on the phone, I'll sing to you.)


9. Smelly Cat - from Friends, Phoebe
Smelly Cat - Phoebe Buffay - Watch more amazing videos here
I still sing this to patients to whom it applies.


10. Stop Dropping Garbage on Whales - from SNL, Jimmy Fallon and Gwyneth Paltrow
( can't find a link to video or audio of this one...but I have a transcript of the skit to prove it existed...)
I sing this one with my guitar right after I finish Freelove Freeway.


11. Xanotab - from Arrested Development, Dr. Funke's 100% Natural Good Time Family Band Solution
Hmmm, I wonder if another theme party could stem from this...


BONUS: (this is amazing...if you're an Office fan...)
The Office Musical - Funny bloopers R us


Leave your favorite fake songs in the comments.